The Opposite of Deja Vu

Like I was dropped into my life
Through a tear in the universe tonight
Like the opposite of a deus ex machina
Or a deus ex machina on its head
Where I’m lying in bed
And staring up at a baby’s mobile
Of stars and new questions
About where it all came from
And turtles all the way down
Lying on their backs
Exposing psychedelic bellies
At three am
Because my ex called
And wanted to tell me
About doing shrooms in Joshua Tree
About the well of sadness in himself.
I expected to find myself there
But instead I’m nowhere
Not even when he wandered the desert
And spoke with the moon
Not even in the roosters crowing outside
Inexplicably, in the middle of Silverlake,
Tangent to the sloped intersection
By this parking lot they’ll never finish,
Not even in the human wet cries
Of the feral cats and kittens
In the alley below.
But as you lie sleeping
I’m caressing the void beside me
In the cacophony of sounds,
Caressing the hundred more universes
All sweaty and bellied up, non-existent,
Where I know exactly who I am
And what this is for
But don’t have you
Or instead have everything
Except questions
Or a silent version of this timeline
Or a purple one
And three slips into four am
And so on
Until the night drains
Out through the window
And you are awake wanting toast
And to contextualize me, effortlessly,
Before coffee and after a dream about a home
We both forgot.
~~~
Lexi Cary is a bi writer (w/b)itch and musician based in Los Angeles. Her poetry can be found or is forthcoming in DUM DUM Zine, Angel City Review, Always Crashing, and Germinal Mag. You can see more of her work at lexicary.com and @_lexicary on twitter and Instagram.

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